Family Reunion
by LazyFucktard
Summary: When Pein notices that he has fewer members than planned, he realizes that most of the Akatsuki members have little sisters... who are just as sick and twisted as they are... recruiting them and having them suck people's souls shouldn't be a problem, right? (Crack-fic, and a disturbing one at that.)
1. Meet Hidan's Sister

_**I did this one hell of a while ago. Since there is no other purpose in my life, I thought I should at least write more and see if anyone comes across this strange tale. I don't own Naruto!**_

It was just an ordinary day, for these interesting S-rank criminals. They had just finished massacring an entire village because they were bored as well as kick a few puppies and detonate rabid squirrels. Okay... this was pretty ordinary for the Akatsuki if you have disapproved with the statement above.

"Home sweet home." Sasori mumbled sarcastically as they returned to the base from their usual hilariously evil plans.

The others argued amongst themselves before their leader stopped them.

"I sense another presence in the lair." Pein announced as he looked around suspiciously.

"Let me kill it!" Kisame squealed happily before he was stopped by his partner.

"Come on out." Itachi urged the mysterious shadow in the room. "Don't be afraid... oh wait, be afraid... be very afraid."

A small little girl crawled out, but not shyly, with a mischievous grin on her face which resembled the religious member of the Akatsuki. But that wasn't all... she also had the same hair color, eye color, and skin tone as Hidan which was just plain freaky to the entire organization in general.

"Oh dear Jashin!" Hidan exclaimed as he took out a bucket of holy water and poured it on the little girl's head.

She smiled back at him, unfazed.

"Oh fuck! It doesn't work!" Hidan panicked. "This stuff _kills _demons!"

The girl let out a sinister laugh (like Hidan's) and grinned even more.

"I'm invincible!" she yelled as she took out a water gun that was apparently steaming hot.

She then sprayed Hidan with it's piping hot contents as he screamed in agony.

"Oh! I didn't know _you_ were a demon!" she exclaimed.

"That's because the water is fucking hot!"

"That's what the last victim told me." she reminisced.

The other Akatsuki members just stared blankly as the two albino look-alikes got into a heated argument.

"Hidan. Who the hell is this?" Kakuzu asked, seeming annoyed.

"You can't even fucking figure it out?" Hidan spat.

The rest of the members remained clueless and nodded their heads.

"It's my sister." Hidan gestured at the little girl.

Everyone remained quiet.

"Suhai... say hello." he waited for the evil child (who probably got a lot of his traits) to respond.

"Hey, hey, hey! What's up, bitches!" Suhai stuck her middle finger at everyone who became even more mentally scarred. Probably because she was only seven years old.

"What the hell, un?" Deidara stared, wide-eyed, at the kid who was dressed in a white cloak and had given them a rather... _unique_ greeting for her age.

"Suhai! Don't fucking swear! It's bad fucking manners!" Hidan scolded.

"Shut your face nii-san! You're such a hypocrite!"

"Don't call me that!" Hidan yelled back as the others giggled at his new name.

"..."

"Shall I call you fuck-face, then?" Suhai tilted her head to the side.

"I told you not to fucking swear! I don't want you to end up like me!"

"How sweet." Sasori and Itachi commented monotonously from the background.

Hidan shot the two an evil glare and pointed his scythe at them threateningly.

"But I am not like you! You killed an entire clan when you were seven!" Suhai countered.

"Suhai... you killed an entire _village_ when it was your fifth birthday." Hidan rubbed his temples.

"But... you helped!" she argued.

"I stood at the sidelines and watched everyone get slaughtered by you. How is that fucking helping?"

Suhai stopped talking as she formulated a new approach while Hidan explained that she got his genes (which everyone had figured out by now).

"Your first sentence was 'Give me my fucking supper, you whore!' I didn't say that when I was only two years old!" Suhai grinned as she thought she won.

"Of course. But you were much smarter than that. You had learned how to say 'fuck you' to the doctors when you came out of mom's wound. I was there!" he exclaimed as he laughed.

After the Akatsuki had enough nonsense, Konan stepped in.

"Hi sweetie, do you want something to drink or eat? Or some Ritalin, perhaps?" she asked sweetly and sarcastically as she squatted to get to the small kid's level.

"Do you have gingerbread cookies? I like to bite off their heads." Suhai asked politely.

"No. But we have Kool-aid." Konan offered.

"Oh. I used to like Kool-aid but then I heard about this cult that poisoned their Kool-aid and drank it as a way to commit suicide because they thought they were being pursued by foreign governments." Suhai replied calmly as everyone displayed a "wtf" expression.

"I'll take over." Pein helped his partner as she walked away, shuddering.

"Okay..." he squatted on his knees as well. "I'm pretty sure you can have some Kool-aid without worrying since hopefully you are not in a cult nor are you being pursued by foreign governments." Pein explained in order to reassure her.

"I'm being followed by Anbu from all over because I set fire to some buildings since they were pretty." Suhai admitted as she looked down.

Pein just stared at her incredulously for a few minutes, taken aback by her words. This girl was seven... and she was being tailed by anbu, swearing, mentioning cults, and turning into a little terrorist?

"Deidara!" Pein yelled at the blonde terrorist.

"What?! I have nothing to do with this! I swear, un!"

"Then who would possibly tell her to set buildings on fire?" Pein yelled at the blonde transgender.

"Because they are pretty." Suhai added in attempt to correct the leader.

Pein in turn, looked at Deidara even more suspiciously.

"It wasn't my plan, un..." he gritted his teeth as everyone was looking at him.

"This kid needs serious medical attention." Pein grumbled as he walked back to Suhai.

"Hi Suhai." he said awkwardly due to the fact that S-rank criminals were bad babysitters and that she was Hidan's twisted little sister... of all people...

"So... why are you following a bunch of S-rank criminals?"

"I don't know."

Pein just stared at her with an irritated expression.

"Oh yeah! I forgot! Hidan! Mom and dad are dead!" she yelled at her brother who choked on his own spit as he heard the news.

"Okay... well I'm not sure you are evil enough to stay here with us. I mean, we are trying to hunt people down and suck out the souls in order to rule the world." Pein explained to the orphan sadly.

"Oh! Trust me! She is pretty fucking evil!" Hidan piped in.

"SHUT UP!" all of the Akatsuki yelled at Hidan who got angry in return.

"Don't tell me to fucking shut up!"

"Nii-san! Shut the fuck up before I cut your head off and burn it on the stick while your body is placed in a wood chipper!" Suhai yelled while Hidan obviously did what she asked.

"Okay. Well... what else have you done that would make you a criminal?" Pein asked sweetly as if he was talking to a small child. Oh wait... he was...

"I joined the KKK." she beamed. So that's what the white robe was all about...

"Jashin... please help this child." Hidan prayed as all the other members started shaking. How awkward this must have been.

"Just let the damn child join!" Kakuzu exclaimed. "It's damn obvious that we need more members!"

"Hmmmm..." Pein thought aloud at Kakuzu's comment. "That is true..."

"What is it?" Konan urged.

"What if we were to have our siblings join the Akatsuki." Pein wondered.

"That's outrageous." Sasori commented. "We know for a fact that our little sisters are almost as bloodthirsty as ourselves... if not more."

"That's the point, you fucking genius!" Hidan and his sister snapped.

"It's decided! You are all going to look for your siblings and come back within a week." Pein ordered the rest of the Akatsuki. "Any questions?"

Hidan raised his hand.

"Yes, Hidan."

"What if my sibling is already here?"

"Then you completed the mission, dumb-ass." Kakuzu snapped which caused them both to get into a money and religion related argument where Suhai decided to toast Kakuzu with her fire-style techniques.

"Itachi? Do you have a question?"

"Yes. What if my siblings want me dead?" Itachi asked monotonously.

"I... uh... don't let Sasuke join if that's what you meant." Pein ordered.

"I have a little sister who managed to flee the night I massacred the clan." Itachi sighed. "She's probably tailing my foolish little brother."

"Good for her. Go get her." Pein ordered once he heard that she survived the Uchiha massacre.

"Kisame?"

"What if my little sister is at the aquarium?"

"Your sister works at an aquarium?"

"No. She lives there. They're opening an exhibition on sharks and..."

"THAT IS MORE THAN I NEEDED TO KNOW!" Pein yelled.

"Oh, she's nice. I..."

"Everyone besides Kisame and Hidan will all track down their sisters!" Pein interrupted but Kakuzu stayed behind since he killed his sister a while ago. Too bad.


	2. Meet Itachi's Sister

_**Naruto does not belong to me nor does the Akatsuki. *raises hand* I pledge allegiance to the flag... blah blah blah...**_

**OROCHIMARU'S LAIR**

**WE HAVE CANDY!**

The sign read as neon arrows were pointing at a cave. Itachi sighed at the stupidity of the pedo-snake.

Kisame, on the other hand: "Ooh! Candy! I want some!"

They both entered the cave to find huge hallways that were dimly lit.

They opened door after door, until they could find Itachi's sister.

Itachi opened one door to find: "I'LL KILL YOU AND REVIVE MY CLAN!"

"Wrong one." he announced then slammed the door in his brother's face.

He then opened another door to find Orochimaru's room which was filled with pictures of himself and Sasuke...

...

...

...naked...

"OH GOD! DEFINITELY THE WRONG ONE!" he displayed emotion for the first time in years at that image.

Later, he continued by opening yet another door for the ten-thousandth time to find a little girl who was eating candy and watching one of the prisoner's howl in pain with a nonchalant expression.

"Huh. I guess they do have candy." he thought aloud as Kisame joined him.

"Hi, kid! We have awesome candy compared to Orochimaru! Also, we aren't pedophiles!" Kisame yelled, grinning.

"Oh, boy!" she looked up from the guy who was lying on the ground and drooling to give Kisame a big hug.

"Hi, Yamarashi!" Can I have a hug too?" Itachi asked his little sister who stuck her tongue at him.

"This guy is better! He didn't kill mom and dad!" she spat back stubbornly.

"That's not very nice." Itachi commented.

"Killing mommy and daddy isn't very nice." his little sister spat back.

"Yeah, Itachi! That's mean!" Kisame added, getting a glare from his partner.

"I'm sorry!" Kisame cried out for Itachi's forgiveness.

Before they were going to leave, Itachi was interrupted by his foolish little brother once again.

"Don't slam the door on me!" Sasuke yelled.

"Don't interrupt me while I'm eating candy!" Yamarashi yelled.

"Well... this is awkward." Itachi commented.

Sasuke glared then turned to his sister, who was holding Kisame's hand and acting like one of those stereotypically shy children that everyone felt bad for... including Sasuke.

"Aww! Is Itachi being mean to you? You can help me kill him if you want." Sasuke asked in a concerned manner.

"Nope! Akatsuki has candy, so I'm joining." she replied with a serious tone.

Everyone went silent, waiting for another reason.

"Is that all?"

"Yep."

"Anyways... Itachi! I will avenge and revive my clan!" Sasuke yelled, turning his attention to his brother.

"That means I'll be an auntie!" Yamarashi exclaimed randomly.

"And that means I'll be an uncle! And not only will I protect Sasuke... but all the mini Sasukes that come before me!" Itachi exclaimed.

Everyone stared at Itachi, as he just did the most random, non-Itachi thing he could have possibly done.

"What the fuck was that?" Kisame wondered aloud.

"It's the inner Itachi!" the sister yelled at the top of his lungs, causing Orochimaru and Kabuto to run out, wondering what the hell was going on.

"Yamarashi... don't join Akatsuki... we have more candy." Orochimaru took out a bag of Sour Patch Kids in order to lure the child. She could be just as useful, once his Sasuke plan would wear off. She certainly showed more promise...

"But, I don't like pedophiles." Yamarashi glared at snake man. "Or Michael Jackson."

"What about me?" Kabuto exclaimed.

"I was never a big fan of Harry Potter." she admitted.

"Come along, Yamarashi. If you join, you certainly won't lack candy or brotherly love." Itachi held out his hand to the little eight year old.

"Orochimaru will give you power, too." Sasuke argued.

"At what price?" she asked.

"Well... I... uh..." Orochimaru stammered. It was quite difficult to explain pedophelia to a child as young as her.

As Yamarashi watched Orochimaru and Kabuto begin to redden she exclaimed: "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWW!" Then dashed out of the hideout like a speeding bullet.

As the two Akatsuki tried to catch up to the child who was nearly quicker than

light speed, Kisame wondered about the origin of her name.

"Is that why she's named _hedgehog_?" the fish-man asked Itachi.

"Uh... Sasuke enjoyed playing sega games when he was little so he had the chance to name her. Since she was so fast, she was named after Sonic."

Kisame snickered. "That's so dumb."

"Are you saying that my brother is dumb?" Itachi growled.

Kisame gulped.

"Well, then you're correct." the weasel sighed.


	3. Meet Zetsu's Sister

_**The madness is taking over my system... xD I swear, as I go through the chapters... it gets weirder and weirder... Hell, there's YODA in this chapter... **_

_**Yoda: Use the force for good, not evil you should. On the dark side this story has turned to.**_

_**...I don't own Naruto... the OCs are little children, and hexes in disguise...**_

"YAY! Tobi is going to meet Zetsu's little sister! Tobi is so excited!" the said ninja danced around his partner like the brain-damaged creature he was.

"Yes. Because Tobi is a good boy." the white half praised causing our lollipop protagonist to jump up in the air.

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy!" he chanted while performing the infamous dango dance.

**"Will he ever shut up?**" the black half asked.

The two ninja (or three) traveled to where the future akatsuki members lived... which was a dangerous swamp close by to Konoha and the grass village.

"Mr. Zetsu? You know, I saw a movie and there was this little old man that had the skin color of your venus flytrap! He was also _like _a ninja but he had a shiny laser sword..."

"No, Tobi. Yoda is not my father." Zetsu cut him off, before he could continue. He knew Tobi well enough to see what he was getting at.

"Oh! Then, maybe Yoda is Sasori's daddy! Because Yoda is short and throughout most of the saga he was a puppet!" Tobi continued, getting several deranged ideas.

"Tobi, Yoda doesn't exist. And he was most recently turned into CGI so scratch the puppet part. He can't be _anyone's_ father." Zetsu growled. How was Deidara still sane after having _him _as a partner when Sasori was absent? Oh, wait... never mind.

"Oh, no! Sasori's going to be turned into CGI! He's going to take after his daddy! NO!" Tobi let out a terrifying and bloodcurdling scream at the mental image of a CGI Sasori.

Meanwhile...

"ACHOO!" Sasori sneezed. Even though he was a puppet. In fact, recent studies have shown that puppets were able to sneeze. ...from incredibly reliable sources such as wikipedia...

"Are you catching a cold, danna, un?" Deidara asked.

"I'm a puppet, Deidara." his partner growled.

"Well, if puppets are able to sneeze, then they must have an immune system. If we couldn't get sick from all the germs and toxins floating around, then what would be the point of an immune system? Nothing! And everything in out body serves as something useful except for the appendix which is why it eventually... IT EXPLODES, un!" Deidara yelled as he discovered another form of art... the appendix.

"Deidara... _what_ are you talking about?" Sasori asked as he questioned the bomber's sanity.

"Oh! Well, if an immune system was useless..."

"It would explode?" Sasori asked as he tried to make sense out of the rant.

"That would be awesome, but no. It wouldn't be there. And when you sneeze, that's the immune system's work. So... what were we talking about, un?" Deidara wondered.

"Someone is talking about me." Sasori growled. Typically, sneezing was a sign that either a ghost just walked through you, the immune system was taking care of you, or... your name was being mentioned. Sasori chose option three.

"Well, I was talking about your immune system, but not you in particular, un." Deidara tried to help.

"Baka! I'm thinking about... CGI..." Sasori trailed off...

Back to the story!

"CGI! Senpai hates CGI! But he gets along with Sasori! It would be a love/hate relationship! THE HORROR!" Tobi screeched dramatically.

"**Tobi, if you don't shut the hell up, I will eat you...**" Black Zetsu warned.

"Aw! Be nice to him! Tobi is a good boy!" White Zetsu said once again.

"Who's a good boy?!" a small squeaky voice from the swamp called out.

"**No good boys will survive with us around.**" another voice replied, sounding like a chibi version of black Zetsu.

The two (or three) Akatsuki members looked around, trying to find the owners of the two voices.

"Shiro! Kuro! Come on out! You're scaring my partner!" Zetsu called back at the two voices as he pointed at Tobi who was curled up in a ball and saying: "No good boys... No good boys..."

Silence... that was all that was heard, until...

"NII-SAN!" two little girls ran out and glomped Zetsu, who in turn fell to the ground due to the impact.

"Nii-san! Where were you?! We got hungry so we ate mommy while you were away! Is that okay?" a girl with green hair tied in little pigtails, yellow eyes, and skin as white as paper blurted out.

"**She was delicious!**" the other little girl, who looked identical to her sister (except for the black skin) added.

"Off! OFF! I can't breathe!" white Zetsu complained. Of course, the little girls obeyed.

"Tobi. These are my sisters. The white one is Shiro. The black one is Kuro." Zetsu gestured to the kids as he introduced them to Tobi.

"We're twins!" both of them exclaimed at the same time in a rather creepy voice.

"I'm Tobi! I'm a good boy!" Tobi introduced himself happily as he crouched down to eye level and held out his hand.

The two sisters stared at the hand. While Shiro licked her lips, Kuro was the first one to act.

"Ow!" Tobi yelled as Kuro bit off his fingers. Shiro glared angrily at her sister as the black child grinned with her mouth full.

"Kuro! Spit it out! That's my partner's hand!" Zetsu scolded.

The girl obeyed and spat out the fingers, which were now covered in drool.

"No fair! You never share! Just like when we killed mommy! All I got was the head and it hardly had any meat on it!" Shiro yelled.

"**I killed mommy! I deserved more than you!**" Kuro retorted.

"No! Don't you remember?! I killed her! You just took most of her body! That's why you're fatter than me!"

"**We're the same weight!**"

"**Enough!**" Zetsu's black side yelled.

"We are going to the Akatsuki lair and you are joining. I will make sure you both get equal amounts of human flesh. You are not allowed to argue nor are you allowed to eat any members... Understand?" Zetsu growled sternly.

His two sisters proceeded to stop arguing and stare at their brother in fear.

"He's mad at me." Shiro whispered to her sister, who shook her head quickly.


	4. Meet Sasori

"So... we're going to Suna, un." Deidara drawled as he fiddled with a ball of clay.

Even though this was the third time he mentioned this, Sasori remained silent. The fear of encountering the bane of his existence once again was dreadful. The older brother shuddered at the time he last encountered her.

**Flashback No Jutsu:**

"Sasori! Scorpion! Scorpio! Pinocchio!" the five year old girl yelled as she tried to get his attention.

"What do you want, brat?!" Sasori yelled back angrily. Being sixteen and all and about to leave the village, he was pretty cranky.

"Want some s'mores before you go?" his cute little sister asked as she tilted her head to the side.

"I'm a puppet. I don't eat." he seethed. "And where the hell did you get any wood in the middle of the desert for a campfire?"

"Oh! Since you already have a puppet body, I just used the one called Hiruko. I figured you wouldn't need it." she shrugged. Little did she know that it was his favorite one.

**End Flashback:**

"Danna?" Deidara asked as his partner broke down and started crying. Apparently puppets could cry.

"Calm down! We're at the village gates anyways, un!" he yelled so he could Sasori's attention. "Now, execute the jutsu!"

"Mind break no jutsu..." Sasori began but then stopped since the village was already destroyed.

"DIE!" a woman in the distance yelled as screams erupted. Then the screaming stopped.

"Oh, no! What is this? Who did this to you?!" the same woman asked once again, confusing the two Akatsuki members.

"I DID! That's right, bitch! That's what you get for mocking my art at _this_ time of the month!" she yelled once again.

"Oh god." Sasori mumbled. "That damn old hag probably showed her the puppets as well."

Just then, one of Sasori's underlings from Suna came out to notify him of... recent events...

"Sasori-sama! Your sister... she's grown up to be so terrible that she's nicknamed Suneeku of the red sand! You can't bring her to Akatsuki!"

Sasori widened his eyes. "Don't tell me that her puppets are that powerful, as well!" he wailed.

"Oh god, un!" Deidara exclaimed.

"No... it's much worse." the underling paused to add suspense. "It's because of her... time of the month..."

"Oh, so that's why her nickname is _red sand_, un..." Deidara commented. Although Sasori received the title by spilling the blood of _other people_, his sister was in fact, the opposite.

"It's even worse than I had possibly imagined..." Sasori cried again while Deidara patted his back.

"Do you want me to go, yeah?" Deidara suggested, a little fazed by Sasori's emotionless mask that just shattered within seconds.

"No..." Sasori stopped bawling and slowly rose his head. "I must address the problem... since I am the one who caused it..."

Sasori... who was a brave man... walked past the frightened guard and through the gates. On the outside, he seemed as stoic as ever, but his true form that was hiding in the puppet was rocking back and forth and sucking his thumb. Deidara on the other hand, was unfazed by the screams, the flames that raged on, as well as buildings exploding time after time. Being a pyromaniac, he enjoyed it. He tried not to laugh or burst with excitement at the artistic display, until...

"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!" a kid ran by, on fire. Yes, there was a little boy who was on fire and running for his life.

The kid was followed by a huge macho guy with a garden hose who was screaming like a little girl. **The macho man took out his hose and sprayed the child with it's liquid substance. **

Dirty thoughts... dirty thoughts... just carry on with the story after you've performed the action of saying: "That's what she said."

Anyways, seeing a child on fire caused Deidara to lose it. Fits of giggles and snorts erupted from the blonde terrorist as he saw a building explode nearby.

"Oh my god, haha! Oh, did you see the look on his face before he died, un?! Oh! They killed a puppy! BWAHAHA!" Deidara rambled between strokes of laughter. To add to the effect, he fell on the ground, clutching at his sides.

Sasori quit fearing for his life at that moment, so he could have the energy to muster up a facepalm.

"DEIDARA!" Sasori yelled, causing his partner to stop laughing and get up right away, faster than the yellow flash, himself.

"Yes, danna?" Deidara asked, no longer giggling. His snarky attitude and condescending smirk was still intact, though.

"This is a dangerous mission. Just think: Do you remember what Konan was like during her period?" Sasori asked in a deep tone.

Just the thought of that made the two shiver. And yes, puppets shiver, too.

Of course, due to some "stroke of luck", Sasori's words somehow managed to summon the demon that he found it difficult to admit that it was related to him.

"SASORI!" a female voice yelled from the top of a mountain... of dead bodies...

"Ah... long time no see, Suneeku." Sasori commented in a quiet voice, the kind one uses when trying to calm an animal down. Which is what he was doing.

"You left the village! And you became a puppet! You said you'd come back, but noooooo! You had to join a gang! They tried to send me to assassinate you! But I said, it's alright! He'll realize the error of his ways! Well, it's been 17 years! You think it's bad that my parents are dead?! Well, all I have left is a senile grandmother! Of course, you being here would help, but I guess that's none of your concern, is it?! You are 33! You old fart! Retire already, and get your ass back here!..."

"Hey! Girl! You can join our gang and kill as many people you want! And be away from senile old folk... well, except for Kakuzu, un." Deidara called out to Sasori's sister.

"No!" she yelled back stubbornly, the sat on her pile of dead bodies, with her back turned to the two.

"We have s'mores." Sasori suggested, once again remembering his puppet being sacrificed.

This changed her mind. Her eyes lit up like a child's on Christmas day and she ran to her brother and gave him a bear hug. She proceeded to bawl her eyes out.

"I can't control myself! I just can't! No one will feel such pain, as I do, today! I try to work on the puppets with techniques you and Grandmother showed me long ago, but the pain! THE CRAMPS! The horror! The horror!" she whined as she was still clinging on Sasori tightly.

Sasori stayed there awkwardly, and his eyes turned to Deidara, in search for help.

"There, there... you'll be... fine?" Deidara tried to pat her on the back to comfort her, but being a member of a criminal organization, it was hard to show sympathy. Especially on one's time of the month.

Suneeku broke free from Sasori and stopped crying. But she was still clearly upset, as you could see by her puppy-dog face.

"You get where I'm coming from... right, Blondie?" she looked up at Deidara, expecting the other to relate to her issues and the two of them could be BFFs.

"Uh, no. I'm a guy, yeah." Deidara replied in a clipped tone, clenching his fists. "You are the fifteenth person this week whom I've told this to."


End file.
